Once upon a time there was a happy bunny called Benji, his nose was twitchy, eyes bright and had a stunning coat which glistened in the everyday brilliance of the sun. Everybody loved Benji in the village of Bumbly on the Trent as he always had a kind word for all. Also, he wasn't an alcoholic or heavily in debt like many of the other rabbits in the village after they built the casino, where everyone would go to gamble away all there hard earned carrots. Such as chief inspector rabbit who would could often be found in the glitter archives (where all historical important sparkly artefacts are stored) singing offensive songs about thumper, bugs bunny and other beloved children's characters.
One day Benji was hopping along when he saw little Fiona rabbit crying, she had lost her favourite ball in the bramble patch by the rainbow factory. Benji told her not to worry and that he'd retrieve her ball, so he scratched and squeezed his way through the brambles, but there was no ball. He looked all around but it was nowhere to be seen. "Where could it have gone?" he wondered. Suddenly he looked up to see a squirrel carrying what looked like a ball into the rainbow factory. Confused, He hopped after him and peered through the door. There he saw professor rabbit tied up next to the biggest pile of toys Benji had ever seen. "Hurry, Untie me!" he said. "What's going on here?" asked Benji inquisitively. "Those, dirty squirrels, lead by that most evil of them, baron von squirrel are trying to steal my precious rainbow machine!" proclaimed professor rabbit angrily. "But unfortunately for them they can't work it as it runs on the most powerful and hard to obtain energy source, happiness. Much like all of my inventions". Pausing for a second he continued "Well, except my candyfloss machine which only got past the prototype stage, that ran off unicorns tears. But anyway, one source of happiness is toys that are loved and played with, so they've stolen all the toys as well."
"Come on, let's go fetch chief inspector rabbit to bring them to justice" said Benji excitedly pulling at professor rabbits long coat. So off they went to get him. They found him hanging upside from the magical wishing tree after, in his drunken state, he thought he'd seen Jessica rabbit up there seductively calling to him and got stuck. Once chief inspector rabbit was free justice was swift and he arrested professor rabbit for suspiciously hanging round with young bunnies and having a large collection of childrens toys in his rainbow factory
Thursday 3 January 2013
Wednesday 2 January 2013
Gerard Pickle's War
Gerald pickle resided in the the bottom draw of a bedside cabinet in a skip in South Kensington. He made missiles for the British army out of socks, and bombs out of knotted together trousers. The Army had resorted to such measures because they had run out of money and decided upon a change of tact. If they couldn't kill the enemy then they would try to change their way of thinking. The plan was a partial success.
The Iraqis were so impressed with the workmanship on the finest British trousers and socks that they decided to open up a rival company. Offering marks and spencers style clothing, with nuclear capability. The British army were embarassed by such a development, and sensing that the situation had become potentially disasterous with these new nuclear trousers and socks. Decided to drop their secret weapon, state of the art smart bombs filled with Tesco clubcards. The operation was a great success as the Iraqis were mildly annoyed and frustrated that they couldn't exchange clubcard points to get tokens for abbotsbury swannery or money off a butlins holiday
The Iraqis were so impressed with the workmanship on the finest British trousers and socks that they decided to open up a rival company. Offering marks and spencers style clothing, with nuclear capability. The British army were embarassed by such a development, and sensing that the situation had become potentially disasterous with these new nuclear trousers and socks. Decided to drop their secret weapon, state of the art smart bombs filled with Tesco clubcards. The operation was a great success as the Iraqis were mildly annoyed and frustrated that they couldn't exchange clubcard points to get tokens for abbotsbury swannery or money off a butlins holiday
Forgotten Christmas Stories - Part 3
Merry Christmas everyone! I'm reminded as always at this time of the year of the story of the shepherd who's hat was firmly attached to his head, and no matter how hard he pulled he couldn't remove it. He first visited his brother Derek the lawgiver to remedy this situation, but he found him in his usual tree, with binoculars, wearing no trousers and so he left him be.
He then saw Zeb the investment banker, but he wanted £500,000 which hadn't been invented yet, in return for removing the hat. Unfortunately upon opening his purse the shepherd only had three confused squirrels, which were worth nothing in the current financial climate. Suddenly Jesus came along, drunk as usual, Christmas cake all round his mouth. Immediately everyone waited with baited breath for him to speak, which he did calmly but with force.
Pointing at the young shepherd from across the road "Thats a fucking stupid haircut!" Jesus was right, and all knew. Suddenly the shepherd realised he hadn't even been wearing a hat. What he assumed was a piece of headwear was simply his hair. His problem was solved he thought, but where are my sheep?
A sobering lesson there for all sheep owners.
He then saw Zeb the investment banker, but he wanted £500,000 which hadn't been invented yet, in return for removing the hat. Unfortunately upon opening his purse the shepherd only had three confused squirrels, which were worth nothing in the current financial climate. Suddenly Jesus came along, drunk as usual, Christmas cake all round his mouth. Immediately everyone waited with baited breath for him to speak, which he did calmly but with force.
Pointing at the young shepherd from across the road "Thats a fucking stupid haircut!" Jesus was right, and all knew. Suddenly the shepherd realised he hadn't even been wearing a hat. What he assumed was a piece of headwear was simply his hair. His problem was solved he thought, but where are my sheep?
A sobering lesson there for all sheep owners.
Forgotten Christmas Stories - Part 2
Merry Christmas! I hope you are blessed indeed with gifts and much love at this joyful time of the year. But we must not forget the true meaning of Christmas. It all happened quite a while ago, I think... Umm... Something about a baby and men who appear to be wise in some respect... Oh yes, and lots of animals, horses, penguins, racoons and suchlike. Angels are definitely involved at some point, along with sheep who may or may not have brought presents of some kind.
So on this special day, be sure to keep this in mind x
So on this special day, be sure to keep this in mind x
Forgotten Christmas Stories - Part 1
... "And so Jesus and all the disciples packed up their things, James clutching the picnic hamper, Judas with all the silver cutlery in his pockets and Simon solemnly carrying the deflated beach ball from a humorous incident earlier in the day. Then most of them with smiles on their faces, they clambered onto their donkeys and rode home, the others gently jesting and jibing Thomas about his ripped swimming shorts. They insisted it was all in good spirits, but Thomas doubted their sincerity."
That was a story from one of the pamphlets recently discovered from the original bible, entitled 'Jesus and the Disciples go to the beach.' During the year we've all had out spirits deflated like Simon's beach ball or our metaphorical shorts ripped asunder like Thomas. But at this time we patch up that beach ball and remove those torn shorts and think about all the good things in life. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year x
That was a story from one of the pamphlets recently discovered from the original bible, entitled 'Jesus and the Disciples go to the beach.' During the year we've all had out spirits deflated like Simon's beach ball or our metaphorical shorts ripped asunder like Thomas. But at this time we patch up that beach ball and remove those torn shorts and think about all the good things in life. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year x
The Tale of Nippy the Squirrel
Nippy the squirrel had gathered all of his nuts in a pile, all his favourites were there cashew, brazil, pecan, monkey. But he had no idea how many he had, so he decided to count them. Slowly but surely he worked his way through this daunting task, and as morning turned into afternoon he was still counting, Night arrived and as the owls hooted and mr moon smiled down amongst a sea of sparkling stars, he didn't relent.
Days went by and he continued, no matter the weather. Even when the rain came down in torrents and soaked him through, or the wind was so strong it was close to picking him up and blowing him away. Spring came and went as the ever browning leaves which covered him turned into a thick layer of purest white snow, with the arrival of winter. Months moved by and when he finally finished, under the blaze of glorious sunshine he looked at his ten nuts (he was a slow counter) and realised he didn't really want them, so had an ice cream instead.
Days went by and he continued, no matter the weather. Even when the rain came down in torrents and soaked him through, or the wind was so strong it was close to picking him up and blowing him away. Spring came and went as the ever browning leaves which covered him turned into a thick layer of purest white snow, with the arrival of winter. Months moved by and when he finally finished, under the blaze of glorious sunshine he looked at his ten nuts (he was a slow counter) and realised he didn't really want them, so had an ice cream instead.
Sebastian the World's Smallest Monkey
Once upon a time in the middle of nowhere there was a young monkey called Sebastian who lived in a post box. It was the only one for hundreds of miles, so he was very lonely. Now Sebastian wasn't a regular monkey, he was in fact extremely small. So tiny in fact that he could fit happily inside an envelope. Not just a large A5 size, but a regular sized one, Suitable for a tax return, letter of resignation or threatening note written in someone's own blood.
Sebastian would come across many of the latter. He would try to help and change them so that they were less aggressive. With phrases like 'I'm going to get you' he would add '... a lovely cake' a tack which while well meaning tended to confuse the reader. The reaction of a person receiving a letter written in blood but talking about cake was frequently to scream "Not the cake!!" and jump out a high window. Sebastian would read a variety of people's mail not just from murderers and would occasionally travel many miles to go to weddings, bar mitzvahs and children's parties when he came across invitations, to try and make friends. He would turn up pretending to be a distant cousin, concealing his identity with a false moustache, carefully selected hat or blaming his unusual appearance on a rare hairy skin disease.
But the fact was that he needn't have bothered coming up with elaborate disguises or excuses, because he was so small that nobody would notice him. So nobody ever asked him about how much his tricycle was or where he bought his suit, or even how he was. He was so sad at the very thought of this as he sat looking at a picture on a postcard with a group of monkeys playing poker. That he decided to post himself somewhere where he could make friends.
He climbed into an envelope and waited to be delivered. A week later he arrived at his destination, climbing out he thought of all the new friends he would make, pleased the finally he wouldn't be alone. Unfortunately he had been delivered to a remote, desolate island, just a group of trees in the middle and he was all alone again. He began to cry and as the tears ran down his tiny monkey face he wished he was back in his post box. Just as his was thinking this he heard a noise, startled he looked up in the trees to see hundreds of little monkeys just like him, suddenly he was happy and had the friends he always wanted.
Sebastian would come across many of the latter. He would try to help and change them so that they were less aggressive. With phrases like 'I'm going to get you' he would add '... a lovely cake' a tack which while well meaning tended to confuse the reader. The reaction of a person receiving a letter written in blood but talking about cake was frequently to scream "Not the cake!!" and jump out a high window. Sebastian would read a variety of people's mail not just from murderers and would occasionally travel many miles to go to weddings, bar mitzvahs and children's parties when he came across invitations, to try and make friends. He would turn up pretending to be a distant cousin, concealing his identity with a false moustache, carefully selected hat or blaming his unusual appearance on a rare hairy skin disease.
But the fact was that he needn't have bothered coming up with elaborate disguises or excuses, because he was so small that nobody would notice him. So nobody ever asked him about how much his tricycle was or where he bought his suit, or even how he was. He was so sad at the very thought of this as he sat looking at a picture on a postcard with a group of monkeys playing poker. That he decided to post himself somewhere where he could make friends.
He climbed into an envelope and waited to be delivered. A week later he arrived at his destination, climbing out he thought of all the new friends he would make, pleased the finally he wouldn't be alone. Unfortunately he had been delivered to a remote, desolate island, just a group of trees in the middle and he was all alone again. He began to cry and as the tears ran down his tiny monkey face he wished he was back in his post box. Just as his was thinking this he heard a noise, startled he looked up in the trees to see hundreds of little monkeys just like him, suddenly he was happy and had the friends he always wanted.
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